Daddy's Home

The DNC definitely feels like a lifetime ago in dog years, and this is one of those times when I wish I hadn't let myself get so caught up in my head. This piece was supposed to have been a homage to all of that Good Dad energy we saw back in August and as a September birthday tribute to my Dad. Welp...

Yesterday I saw a snippet of a Sunday news roundtable and one of the participants, Rep. Byron 'not Brian' Donalds exclaimed "Daddy's home" as part of his comments on the return of Trump. In addition to losing my appetite, his statement prompted me to revisit and post this piece. I will post the bulk of what I initially wrote with minimal edits, then provide my updated commentary after the jump. --ADH

I watched Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff's address to the Democratic National Convention and came away with all of the warm and fuzzies. I like him, a lot. I have had something of a soft spot for him ever since I saw a clip of a campaign event back in 2019 where someone tried to rush the stage at then-Sen.  Kamala Harris. And with the speed of Clark Kent changing into Superman, Emhoff was up on that stage and standing in between his wife and her would-be assailant in the kind of 'oh snap' moment that could only endear him to women everywhere as that dude.

A few weeks ago, right before Madam VP Harris announced her choice of running mate, I happened to see an interview with a burly white-haired guy who referred to the former DESPOTUS and his newly appointed running mate, James David Vance as weird. And I liked him, a lot. Because there was something about the way he tagged these men as uncool, in spite of their delusions, that definitely made sense. Later when the Hub and I discussed potential running mates, our mutual favorite was that same burly guy from Minnesota, so I was absolutely ecstatic he was her choice.

The week prior to the Convention, I received an email that invited me to attend a town hall with President Biden (and Madam VP), and I jumped at the chance. I tried to convince my Dad to attend with me because I thought, how many times does he get to go to political events? He initially agreed to tag along, then declined in order to attend Mass...and until the moment when I realized I would be close enough to take a picture of the President, Vice President, and the Governor of Maryland in a crowd where there were only four to six people between us, I figured Dad had made the right call. My insistence on staying at this event was pure obstinance; I imagine my Dad, who is a tolerant man, still would not have wagered on that kind of patience paying off. But I like Biden, a lot. And this was my way of counteracting the FOMO I felt by not being able to go to Chicago for the convention.

I waited up late to hear former President Barack Obama even though we've all heard him speak a thousand times (but we still miss him). I was in the car and happened upon former President Bill Clinton's speech, fully remembering that he has a tendency to just talk and talk (and talk). I still need to go back to listed to the entirety of President Biden's convention speech because that started and went on way past my bedtime. I really appreciate that Governor Tim Walz, the burly football Coach chosen to be her running mate, understood the assignment to give us the perfect win-one-for-the-Gipper keynote/pep talk in 15 minutes or less.

I don't know about you, but I liked LOVED all of the positive Dad energy that was being spread by these Democratic men. It's all very soothing, in a retro yet very modern kind of way. On the one hand, it seems contradictory to feel so reassured by their presence in a year when we are looking to elect a woman to be the Leader of the Free World; yet on the other hand, also radical to feel so elated that they are happily standing in-formation beside some formidable, badass women!

And they LOVE it too!

For half a second, I was ready to offer a similar complimentary nod to James David for his full-throated, you don't want none of this smoke response in defense of his wife, Usha. Almost...but, I can't because of every other toxic attack he has made against childless women or against the military service of the Coach in the past couple of weeks. The vibe I get from him is that of a guy who talks really big and tough, until forced into a corner. Thus, even in defense of his wife, if he had to actually stand up for her, I think he would make up some distraction to give him cover to cut and run. It's giving Ted Cruz blaming his wife for booking a vacation to Cancun during an ice storm. Or that clip of Josh Hawley running to hide under his desk that never gets old.

I am just learning about these new Greek-letter categories of men--alphas, betas, sigmas, etc., so I'm not quite clear on the distinctions but to be honest, I don't care. I know that the so-called alphas are on top of the food chain, but that's if your diet consists of Cheetos, protein bars, and energy drinks. Their patron saint is the former DESPOTUS, which is kinda yikes if we're supposed to look at him as some exemplar of virile masculinity and strength...

But that's not where I'm going with this. Because they're the ones who poke fun of those other men who are different, sensitive, married to women they actually like. They are the guys who enforce the high school caste system of jocks, nerds, goths, stoners, etc., and can't readjust to redefine themselves beyond adolescence. They are forever frozen in a world where Hulk Hogan is the still WWF Champion...

All of that positive Dad energy emanating from Emhoff, Walz, Obama, Clinton, and Biden contrasts with the retro projections of Father Knows Best the other side has been promoting for decades. For years they have attempted to paint the Democrats as the Mommy party of feelings and participation trophies while presenting themselves as the Daddy party of hunting and golfing. And for the life of me, I don't get why we're supposed to believe that a bunch of Dads dressed in company logo shirts and Dockers have a better handle on things than a bunch of Dads driving minivans to carpool their kids to soccer games. Because hello, the Moms were the ones holding it ALL down anyway. Who made sure Dad didn't forget the snacks and water? Who did his laundry because the last time he forgot to sort everything came out pink? 

(Before anybody hits back with a whatabout single Dads, don't worry, I am not forgetting about nor short-changing them.)

Consider the ways the Alphabots have attempted to define the manhood of their opponents in feminine terms: Tampon Tim (too attentive) and Sleepy Old Joe (too old and feeble), for example. Their attempts to make Obama look like a menacing urban thug never took hold, (and they didn't see the endless potential in calling him Urkel) so they attack his wife to imply that he's gay. And because the only thing worse than being happily married to a Black woman is being a gay man, they poke fun of Pete Buttigieg for taking paternity leave after the birth of his twins. 

Take a second to really think about that: they ridiculed a man for being the kind of Dad who wants to do more than just empty the diaper genie when he gets home from work. Imagine being so rigid in your idea of gender roles as to be intimidated by the sight of a baby's poop.

Their disdain for what they perceive as weakness in men is really a hard-wired hatred for women they cannot control. We've been telling you that for decades, but some of you remain unconvinced that the man who goes on the attack against every woman who stands up to him is a thin-skinned unrepentant misogynist. His current running mate, James David the Toady...let's just say that I have my theories, or that he's been doing all of this non-stop campaigning so that he doesn't have to keep sleeping on the couch in his Senate office.

Those man-babies saw all of that joy and fun at the DNC and responded with full tilt mantrums. They can't fathom a world where a man would take to the stage and speak glowingly about a woman he admires for qualities other than her looks. They can't believe that half this country looks upon Madam VP as a beacon of hope and light, and that her supporters aren't just a bunch of childless cat ladies, but also a bunch of happy warrior Dads in flannel shirts who aren't afraid of strong, independent women.

These people hate that our Dads love us for exactly who we are. Our Dads love our tattoos, un-plucked eyebrows, and general weirdness because we're their daughters. Our Dads don't try to shame our brothers when they get overcome with emotion because they have taught them that it's okay for real men to cry if they have to. Our Dads aren't ashamed to say that they love us and that they are proud of who we are. 

Mind you, all of this gushing over the Democratic Dads doesn't assume that these qualities are ideological. Because Real Dads come in every political flavor. Good fathers are the kind of men who teach values to their children. They teach their sons how to look a person straight in the eye, give a firm handshake, and reassure their daughters that their ambitions can be infinite and unlimited. Good fathers sometimes have to work multiple jobs in order to keep the lights on and the food on the table, but they do it because they see it as their responsibility. Good fathers don't make manhood a thing they put on display for Christmas greeting cards, but in daily acts of setting positive examples in their homes. Real Dads respect and honor the women they have children with, even if they aren't married to them. They don't get on social media to complain about child support ruining their credit rating or wealth building because they recognize that the money spent on raising their children is an investment.

For all of the talk about how feminists hate men, I bet some of y'all are surprised to read all of this praise from me...but you shouldn't be. Instead of finding fault with a movement that seeks to give women the same rights of self-determination and choice, you should find fault with a hierarchal mindset that teaches men that gender equality is an existential threat. Freedom for women doesn't displace men, it liberates us all. 

As I gush on about these other men, I can't help but to look at the men in my family. My Hub is totally that guy when it comes to our daughter. He's going to be that Dad in the feminine hygiene aisle asking some random woman if she can help him figure out wings and absorbencies because I'm going to be off Busy Black Womaning somewhere and our Niece won't be answering her phone. I can totally see my Brother K as the carpool Dad, easily alternating between sports and dance recitals. Brother O is the girl Dad MVP around here, so you already know that man is battle-tested and ain't scared.

My Dad, well...he's the reason why I'm not the kind of feminist who hates men. He has been and continues to be the best example of all the traits I admire and applaud--compassionate, considerate, respectful, responsible, and unapologetic in his love for his family. Not that I didn't see all of this in him throughout my life, but especially since my Mom's transition, I see my Dad with more clarity. He's the same age as Trump, so they were raised in the same era and witnessed the evolution of women's rights. 

Hate On Me Hater

In just a few hours (depending on when you read this), Scar and his hyenas will take over the country again. As you might imagine, I am one of many people for whom this will be a most dreadful state of affairs. No need to elaborate on just how unpleasant since we will have four more years to watch it all unravel...

As a native and resident of DC, having grown up literally just a few miles away from where this hostile takeover will occur, I have witnessed the much hallowed "peaceful" transfer of power quite a few times, with both anticipation and dread. The first time was 44 years ago when President Ronald Reagan was inaugurated. I distinctly recall being excited because there was to be a parade that we could walk to from my Grandmother's Capitol Hill home. My parents and most of the other adults in my orbit were decidedly unenthusiastic, but in my childish naiveté, I was undeterred and cheered along with the rest of the adoring crowd.

Fast forward to 1997 when the Hub and I were dating and were given tickets to attend one of the second Clinton Inaugural Balls. The excitement I felt then was genuine and informed since not only had I voted for him, but I had flown in from New Orleans to take part in the festivities. It wouldn't be much of a stretch to guess how I felt at each subsequent Inauguration, including eight years ago. Suffice it to say, it was only out of a morbid sense of curiosity (and because I let my travel anxiety get the best of me), that we happened to still be at home to watch the preliminary formalities. Instead of packing the car or driving to New York, I just had to get one last glimpse of the Obamas as the historic outgoing First Family. Then I saw Michelle Obama's WTF-how-long-do-I-have-to-sit-here-and-not-vomit face...

So, it comes as NO surprise to anybody who knows better when former First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she wouldn't be attending Abomination 2.0. She really didn't need to tell us, but perhaps she felt that she owed us some advance warning since she passed on sitting next to Trump for the 90 minutes it took to formally eulogize President Jimmy Carter at the National Cathedral last week. She must have determined that it was better to get ahead of the news cycle, lest any outlets spend too much time speculating on her whereabouts. 

There should be nothing controversial about her decision, except that the people who make it their business to talk shit about Black women have made it their business to opine for several days on the appropriateness and etiquette of declining an invitation. Petty and classless, they have deemed it, because it breaks with "tradition" that an able-bodied former First Lady would decide that she would rather stay home in her pajamas binging Bridgerton on Netflix than to sit out in the snow on a dais to witness the inauguration of a man whose racist and xenophobic rhetoric endangered the lives of her family.  

I'm mad that y'all expected her to forgive all of that.

But let's not even dignify their imitation clutched pearls and offended pretense of decorum because more than half the population of this city has decided not to attend or tune in to watch the Trumpocalypse. Folks are fleeing this city like it's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Anybody who doesn't have to be here for work or who didn't pay the million-dollar access fee will be rearranging their sock drawers or otherwise preoccupied. Second, Mrs. Obama attended the Inauguration when she passed the keys to the gilded walk-in cage closet to her successor. That was her last official act as First Lady, a role that is undefined. It's not even a job in the traditional sense, just a title. Much like the First Lady at most of our churches, the most important thing she does is not wear the same outfit twice in a month, so why are we even discussing what the former former FLOTUS does or doesn't do in the grand scheme of things? Isn't the focus supposed to be on the incoming DESPOTUS? Y'all should be more concerned if Melania or her decoy will be there...

Truth be told, we really need to channel all of our good vibes and positive energy towards Madame Vice President Kamala Harris, the only Black woman who has to be there in order to perform an actual constitutional duty. We need to pray for her poker face at that crucial moment when her historic role comes to an end, and she has to act like she's not pissed and ready to blow the roof off the joint. We all know that she would rather be sitting next to Michelle Obama in matching pajamas drowning her sorrows with a box of wine. I suspect that as soon as James David finishes his oath and doesn't immediately combust into flames, Madame VP and 2G Doug E. will quietly exit the scene stage left. (Where they go from there is anyone's guess, but let's hope that it won't be the last we'll see of them.)

Since we're on the subject of Kamala Harris and the optics of decorum, let me say it loud and clear for anyone who needs to hear this: I ain't mad at all that she hasn't offered to give the Vances a tour of the official residence before they move in. It's a big ass house, but they are smart people who went to Yale, so there is no need to point out where the bathrooms are located. I get that there was a tradition there as well, but naw, that man called her trash, and it wasn't just meaningless campaign rhetoric. She doesn't owe him or his wife anything more than the keys.

In the weeks since it became clear that we are doing this again (and stuck in a Groundhog Day nightmare), I have been paying attention and contemplating the state of things. I've been reading the tea leaves and slowly becoming more accepting of the things I cannot change. Malcolm X once said that the most disrespected, unprotected, and neglected person in America is the Black woman, and I have come to the conclusion that he was 100% correct in that assessment. 

I could pull out a CVS length receipt of names and situations as proof...I have done so in the past, but it won't matter. I could mention how folks are blaming Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass for wildfires she didn't start; how Rep. Jasmine Crockett gets criticized for keeping it too real even though she's 100% right; how some of you have been way too silent and accepting of how Atty. Fani Willis was effectively stripped of power; how some of you will downplay every example I cite just because. I bet most of you haven't listened to Chrisette Michelle in a couple of forevers--not since she performed at the first Trump Inauguration, but you won't rid your playlists of Snoop Dog, Nelly, or Rick Ross after this one.

Therefore, once I realized that I too am just another disrespected, unprotected, and neglected Busy Black Woman, it dawned on me that I need to stop worrying so much about what I say and how I am perceived. Damned if I do and damned if I don't, right? Y'all are going to find fault, pick me apart, and toss my bones out to be picked clean by Scar's hyenas, the vultures, and other scavengers. So it don't matter (yeah, I'm intentionally using AAVE), because what does it matter? I can be Mary freaking Poppins, practically perfect in every way, but if I fail to pronounce the -ing with the appropriate inflection or slip into a regional accent that reveals my hood adjacency, I'm just another Eliza Doolittle at the races. Another DEI Sheniqua that y'all would dismiss as unworthy of being allowed in civilized company without an apron and duster...

Ask me how I know. 

The irony for me is the expectation that Black women ought to be grateful that the insults hurled at us and the roadblocks intended to stop us today aren't as bad as what was said and done to the generations of women who preceded us. Once upon a time, when our great grandmothers and great aunties had to take on domestic work that kept them from raising their own children while caring for the children of others, they were mistreated, called lazy and incompetent, and were blamed for the destruction of the "traditional" Black family because they were the primary breadwinners. The difference in these modern times? Apparently not as much as we were led to believe. In spite of our higher rates of education and expanded access to opportunity, we were hoodwinked into believing that all we had to do was work twice as hard to become half as successful. We didn't factor in how deeply entrenched misogynoir always sets us up for failure in the end.

Take the very accomplished, poised, and fabulous former FLOTUS Michelle Obama as the prime example. If anyone embodies the narrative of the great American meritocracy, surely it would be the Black woman whose path took her from the Southside of Chicago to Princeton University and ultimately to the White House. Instead of finding inspiration by such an improbable trajectory, MAGA was appalled and offended. They called her everything but a child of God for the unforgiveable sin of being proud of her country for seemingly moving past its racism!

When she became First Lady, she rarely stumbled or misspoke. She never had a bad hair day nor committed any fashion faux pas. She took up the worthy crusade of encouraging children to become more active. She installed an environmentally conscious kitchen and butterfly garden on the White House grounds. She raised her daughters out of the glare of the public and they are now college-educated young women. Since leaving the White House, Mrs. Obama has written a couple of books, produced a few movies, lent her name to worthy causes, and generally stood by her man. 

But haters gonna hate no matter what. Because if performing for the Abomination is the highlight of Kid Rock's birthday weekend, then what makes Michelle Obama so special as to refuse to cancel her plans for brunch? 

I can't speak for all Black women, but I can aver on behalf of the 92% of us who swallowed the bitter pill of defeat on November 5 that we are simply following through on our promise that we are done! No more Mammying America. No more missionary work to convert people who don't want salvation. Y'all booked this trip on the Titanic II, so go on and enjoy every doomed minute of the voyage. Maybe there will be enough lifeboats and jackets this time...if not, thoughts and prayers.

You can't force us, bully us, shame us, nor blame us for anything that happens from now on. We didn't choose this, so we're not acquiescing to any demands that we smile and grin for the cameras. We're going to lean into the disappointment we feel, and more than anyone Michelle Obama deserves space to rest and recalibrate. She did her part. Weeks after losing her beloved mother, she channeled her grief into a pitch perfect motivational speech that included her recollection of the painful impact of Donald and Melania Trump's birther conspiracies on her family. Y'all weren't the least bit offended by what her daughters had to endure as children hearing and seeing those racist descriptions of their parents for years. Now there are lofty principles and ideals to uphold? Really???

If that were true, then the Black woman who dedicated her career to upholding and defending so-called American principles and ideals would be taking the Oath at noon on Monday. So miss me, Michelle Obama, and every other Black woman you know with ANY and ALL that bullshit! 

We not coming.