A Hefty Legacy

It's complicated when a famous person dies and your opinion about that person varies depending on the specific issue raised when addressing that person's life.

Way back in the day, I wrote about Hugh Hefner for one of my original Fried Chicken pieces. The funny thing about re-reading that piece is that I was still double-spacing between sentences. The sad thing about re-reading that piece is realizing how spot on it was if I had been writing all of this in tribute to him right now. So I will not re-write anything from the past. I will instead assess Hefner for what I think of him right now. And it's complicated.

It's complicated to wonder about all of the mayhem that went down at that mansion, especially when it was revealed that Bill Cosby allegedly assaulted a woman there. Surely, in all the years that the Playboy Mansion was in operation as a House of Orgies fueled by drugs and alcohol, only ONE person was allegedly raped???

It's complicated to wonder about the stories told by the various exes about life in Hef's Harem. When you read them, are we at all disgusted or do we dismiss each woman as an opportunist with no opinion at all about the Wizard behind the curtain?

It's complicated to reconcile that Hefner considered himself a feminist. For when it came to supporting women's reproductive rights and health, certainly we can applaud him for being ahead of his peers in that respect. But he was in the business of selling sex, so supporting women's empowerment through birth control and access to abortion rights is great...and even greater for men who want the freedom to fuck and avoid fatherhood (yeah, I said it).

It's complicated that Hefner was an early supporter of the Civil Rights Movement. One of his best friends was Bill Cosby, who was also an activist. Alex Haley wrote for the magazine in the 60s and his interviews with both Malcolm X and MLK were published therein. Yet, in the history of a magazine that has been published since the 50s, how many black women were playmates? (I only counted 30 names on Wikipedia.) That doesn't imply that Hefner wasn't progressive on race, but take a look at these past centerfolds and consider how Playboy reinforced certain stereotypes on black beauty.

And I get that he was just one man. He was human, so of course he was complicated. He lived a long life, through turbulent and changing times. He could have chosen to just publish smutty pictures of women, with no impulse to take a political stance on anything. He was in the entertainment business of selling men fantasies. And that made him very, very rich. And he used that money to fund a hedonist lifestyle.

Judging him now feels like a cheap shot. He's dead. He was an old man who finally found happiness after a life of searching. Or perhaps he found happiness long ago, so maybe it was love that he really wanted all of those years. So why judge him for living on his own terms when everybody else who chose to travel in his orbit knew the deal and played along? But (and this is the final but), don't airbrush his legacy like one of those Playboy pictorials either. Tell the truth, the full unvarnished complicated truth.

He's dead.

These Are the Days

Days after I post an article about wanting to be helpful to those in need, I need a whole lot of help my damn self. Because this daughter of mine has plucked every single raw nerve. Which isn't unusual, but somehow today it seemed like the pulling and the tugging was more intense, like her purpose was not just to hear a sound but to actually render me numb.

So I will keep this rant pretty short. She had been ultra clingy all morning. My left knee has been swollen. I was up cooking last night. This morning I was doing the sous chef thing to prepare our snacks. I had plans to leave the house by noon, but that didn't happen. I had a few other things going on, including a bit of an attitude about feeling like I'm always offering and giving help but never getting anything remotely close in return.

I was tired. Suddenly it was almost three o'clock. She followed me upstairs to the bathroom. I just wanted half a moment of peace, which she obliged for exactly one moment before she had me in a choke hold. I went back downstairs to clean up all of her damn toys AGAIN. I decided I wanted a hamburger, and since she was still wide awake, I decided to drive to Five Guys. And of course, as soon as we disembarked from the car, she lost her ever-loving mind.

She got her very first public spanking. And yes, I looked like one of those harried radioactive mothers in the grocery store, so everyone looked uncomfortable and concerned as her cries echoed through the plaza. And suddenly I must have grown an extra arm or something because I had scooped her up along with my ginormous Mom bag, her lunch bag, the bag from Five Guys with our remaining fries, and two drinks. Luckily the car wasn't that far away.

And now she's asleep.

Maybe in a few years I will look back on this post and vaguely remember what transpired. Maybe the memory will make me chuckle. She might be beyond choking me with her aggressive hugging. She should definitely be potty trained, able to clean up her own bodily fluids. She probably won't demand that I play the music from her favorite PBS Kids show since she will likely have moved on to something more obnoxious playing from her own device with headphones to ignore me. She's two; soon she'll be twelve with ten years of accumulated antics.

Don't remind me of how quickly time passes because I look at her now and no longer see that sweet-faced baby who never napped when I needed a break. And then I look in the mirror and wonder how my mother managed not to lose it with me (and then I remember that she did, plenty of times and publicly) so then I sigh. And for a brief moment, I allow myself to get lost in some long buried memory of getting popped upside the head for not listening to her...

Well, rant over. She'll be fully recharged soon.

How Can I Help?

We find ourselves in the midst of a season where there is great need. Natural disasters that have impacted people in various parts of the country and the world expose the vulnerability of human life in the face of Mother Nature. We can debate whether these hurricanes, earthquakes, wild fires, and landslides are due to climate change spurred on by human behavior...but first we need to provide some form of relief for the suffering.

I didn't watch much of the news coverage the weekend when Hurricane Irma hit Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and Florida, but when I was able to check in, I was heartbroken by the prospect of so much destruction. And then last week, Hurricane Maria apparently destroyed whatever was left untouched by Irma. And in the midst of those events, two massive earthquakes have hit Mexico. To imagine that level of destruction is overwhelming. Unfathomable. There are people who have lost everything--from possessions to their lives in the matter of weeks. And with more hurricanes and tropical weather patterns on the way, the worse may be yet to come.

When I first started to write this, I wanted to address the question posed by my title, which is what can the rest of us do. We are in that awkward place of wanting to offer assistance, without any specific ideas of what that might entail. Unless you work for a power company, are a construction worker, or a medical professional, there really isn't that much tangible the rest of us can do.

So we start with prayer. I am a firm believer that offering prayers in troubling times is doing something. I know that some might argue that God allowed this destruction, so why turn to Him after the fact? Well, because God is a comforter and a healer. God sent the rainbow after the great flood to remind us that He is always there. And despite all of the destruction and chaos, God is here and will restore and fortify what has been lost.

We can also give, which is the second thing we should do in the aftermath of a disaster. A monetary donation to an on-the-ground relief organization in the initial days after a disaster helps to provide immediate resources that serve the most vulnerable. Food, clothing, and shelter are our most basic needs, so giving to a reputable charity or relief organization, local or national, is always a good choice.

It has been three weeks since I started writing this, and typically my life has been so hectic that I couldn't find enough time to get back to finish this piece as I intended. And I've only gotten more ashamed after each subsequent disaster that I wasn't more focused. Despite sharing information on the Busy Black Woman FB page, my agitation has been how could I do more than just post links. Because one of the unintended consequences of not immediately giving or responding to a disaster relief is that life happens. We may have good intentions, but it is easy to get sidetracked. To get lazy. To forget. And then to do nothing...

September Summer

I was in denial the week after July 4th when I started seeing back to school displays going up at my local Target, but now those are slowly making way for Halloween displays. Which means the summer is pretty much over and I don't have much to show for it.

No tan lines to take forever to fade away like in years past. No memories from summer barbecues to reminisce about with the friends who were there with me (and who witnessed the same crazy). No summer concerts down on the Mall. No drive-in movies or even a full outdoor movie that we didn't have to leave halfway through because of rain. No backyard barbecues or pool time.

But I did manage to lose a little weight in spite of my broken promise to participate in a workout group. I did get a glimpse of what my day could be like for a few hours without a toddler running around. I did get to see a movie at the theater, including the opening previews. I sat and watched my daughter run after fireflies (and inadvertently kill a few because she squeezed them too hard).

This summer is almost a wrap. We will have one quick beach weekend soon so that I can pretend to get a tan. I might blow up that discount pool that I got from Target so that the kid and I can have a few pool days in the backyard. I might get her cousin so that we can take a drive out to see the wild horses, and then maybe we might spend the evening at one of those dinky amusement park/carnivals. And I might get the chance to go someplace fancy so that I can finally wear one of those cute sundresses that I have been saving for a special occasion.

September comes so fast and then it serves as a reminder that December is also coming. Because alongside those garish Halloween displays of stuff nobody needs, there is a small space saved for Christmas ornaments and lights, which will slowly expand to encompass an entire aisle by the end of the month. And once the entire aisle is devoted to Christmas stuff, it feels like the year continues to speed up and then September becomes that transition month when we remember doing a few remaining summer activities. The month when we lament what we didn't do in July and August.

I know that there are all of these arguments out there for why we need to have our children in school all year and other arguments that summer is kind of a waste considering that most of us don't live on farms, but I miss summer. I miss the idea of slowing down to take in a few activities that don't have a time limit. I miss the pleasure of doing things that can only be done during this time of year, like watching my daughter chase fireflies or run around outside barefoot. Like hanging out with my niece all day with no real idea of what we might do, and then just going for it.

For instance, I am seriously thinking that the girls need to have a lemonade stand next summer for no reason in particular. We can spend all day working on their storefront and then set up the next day right in my front yard. And then sell our homemade concoction for some ridiculously stupid amount of money with no charitable intentions, just for the fun of it. Do kids do that anymore?

Does anybody do anything without any purpose or end game?

I know I'm on a weird nostalgic bend of late, and it could be that I am feeling my age or looking it or just accepting it. I have a toddler who is still very much my baby, but also getting more independent each day. Next year, she should finally be potty-trained(!) and it will be our last carefree summer because she'll be three and that's when we're supposed to jump on the hamster wheel. And the fact I am hesitant to do that is putting me in a state. I am not looking to delay the inevitable, but then again maybe, I am. Because as soon as we have to go to Target in the middle of July with a back to school list of supplies, I suddenly become that Mom who realizes that she has no life.

But then again, I might actually get something done around here. And when September rolls around again, I can declare that this was the summer that I did something.

In a 90s Kinda World

This headline made up for my entire week, it gave me life, it buttered my bread, and it had me doing the running man! Yes, yes y'all, the 90s are back!

Ok, now sit down before you pull something, lol!

It occurred to me last week as I was flipping through Glamour Magazine (which I read in the 90s, but now only at the salon) that there was something very retro in the air lately. I saw lots of familiar stuff that I remembered from my college days: floral prints, short haircuts, tube skirts, crop tops, all-over denim, Coach bags, flannel, and color blocking. Of course, I should have known it was only a matter of time that all of these trends would make a return since folks have been walking around in leggings for quite a while now.

And for the record, leggings still are not pants. But y'all are determined. And before I act all brand new like I haven't rocked a pair of leggings outside of dance class, during my pregnancy leggings were the default leg covering of choice. Those, one pair of cropped ankle maternity jeans, and a black tube skirt...so come to think of it, pretty much my entire maternity wardrobe was a throwback to the 90s!

It isn't just 90s fashion nostalgia that has found its way back. It is the music, thanks to shows like Unsung on TVOne and 90s Nation on MTV. That New Edition movie and their electric reunion performance on the BET Awards. I'm suddenly seeing well-preserved supermodels that used to grace the covers of my magazines now selling age-defying makeup. I'm seeing dark eyeliner and matte lipstick. We're watching SNL and laughing. After the divorce, y'all are back to having casual sex again. Didn't The Rock star in a Baywatch movie? In addition to various sitcom reboots, I am seeing black folks unrelated to Barack Obama all over the place on TV. And just think if Hillary Clinton had been elected...

Of course, I believe I am noticing all of this 90s nostalgia because that was my transition decade. I graduated high school, college, law school, and got my first professional job during that time period. I met the Hub during that decade. And I am being reminded that all of those milestones occurred TWENTY years ago! And in the midst of celebrating our stuff, some of our kids are coming of age and graduating from high school, college, going to grad school, getting married, etc. Suddenly I understand why our parents were having midlife crises during the 80s. Time flies.